I was at work on Sunday and all of a sudden words just poured into my mind and I had to write them down in my journal. Here is what came out:
You should have been my mother, that’s what everyone knew you as, but I knew you as someone completely different.
You were supposed to be there for my first day of school, but you weren’t, you were supposed to be there as my mother, but you couldn’t.
I unconsciously turned to the voice within and followed their plans for me, and you didn’t see it.
You were in your own world, your own problems, your own thoughts, and couldn’t be there to help me through mine.
I finally told you what I was going through, and you still couldn’t be there to help me or understand me.
You were supposed to be my mother, when really we were strangers.
My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship, I was always looking for the mother/daughter relationship where I could confide my problems and ask for help from her, but at a very early age I realized that I couldn’t do that, and that she couldn’t be that person for me, though it didn’t stop from trying to be loved by her unconditionally through out my years.
It was eight years ago when I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 40, I had started therapy and was starting to make a little progress. I had not let my parents know about this diagnosis as they were a large part of the reasons for why I had anorexia for 30 years. Yes surprising that no-one had ever thought there was an issue, just that I was always the ‘sick’ child and always petite (small). I remember the day I had a phone call from my mother, and at one point I let it slip that I was going through a few things and wasn’t ready to talk to her about it. Well that phone call ended in tears and anger (me). I had already finished the first call with her, and within five minutes she had rang me back.
Here is how that call went:
my mother: “Please tell me what is going on with you, I need to know!”
me: “I am not ready to discuss this with you, I am sorry.”
my mother: “I need to know I am your mother I deserve to know, tell me!!”
Me: “Fine, I have anorexia, there are you happy now!!”
my mother: “Oh, here I will give you the name of my psychiatrist and he will medicate you and fix you!”
From memory I think that is and was the last phone call I have had with her. While going through therapy I came to a point where I felt like I was going around, and around, and around in circles, I knew that my relationship or there of, lack of relationship with her and her need to be the center of all that happens and judge. I sat in front of my psychologist and told her that the only way I would be able to fully recover was to have my mother out of my life, well I actually said for her to be dead, and I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to make the decision was I ready to leave my so called relationship with my mother, that would also include my father and my brother.
I knew the only way to leave this toxic family dynamic was to write them a letter and explain why I need to do this, and that at this point it was indefinite, but I was open to speaking with them in a supervised (psychologist) visit. I put the hand out to see if they would take it. I sent the letter after a few drafts and began to live my life without my parents and sibling in it. I can say it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but knew it was the right thing to do to allow myself full recovery.
Its moments like Sunday where the above words about my mother come to the surface and even though it still cuts deep, I have been able to allow on to paper for the very first time and know I am doing well and continue every day to stay healthy within mind, body and spirit.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, as it is the first time I have been able to voice these words to others.
Until next time, have an awesome day…