Words, Feelings, Expression…

I was at work on Sunday and all of a sudden words just poured into my mind and I had to write them down in my journal. Here is what came out:

You should have been my mother, that’s what everyone knew you as, but I knew you as someone completely different.

You were supposed to be there for my first day of school, but you weren’t, you were supposed to be there as my mother, but you couldn’t.

I unconsciously turned to the voice within and followed their plans for me, and you didn’t see it.

You were in your own world, your own problems, your own thoughts, and couldn’t be there to help me through mine.

I finally told you what I was going through, and you still couldn’t be there to help me or understand me.

You were supposed to be my mother, when really we were strangers.

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship, I was always looking for the mother/daughter relationship where I could confide my problems and ask for help from her, but at a very early age I realized that I couldn’t do that, and that she couldn’t be that person for me, though it didn’t stop from trying to be loved by her unconditionally through out my years.

avoiding certain people

It was eight years ago when I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 40, I had started therapy and was starting to make a little progress. I had not let my parents know about this diagnosis as they were a large part of the reasons for why I had anorexia for 30 years. Yes surprising that no-one had ever thought there was an issue, just that I was always the ‘sick’ child and always petite (small). I remember the day I had a phone call from my mother, and at one point I let it slip that I was going through a few things and wasn’t ready to talk to her about it. Well that phone call ended in tears and anger (me). I had already finished the first call with her, and within five minutes she had rang me back.

Here is how that call went:

my mother: “Please tell me what is going on with you, I need to know!” 

me: “I am not ready to discuss this with you, I am sorry.”

my mother: “I need to know I am your mother I deserve to know, tell me!!”

Me: “Fine, I have anorexia, there are you happy now!!”

my mother: “Oh, here I will give you the name of my psychiatrist and he will medicate you and fix you!”

From memory I think that is and was the last phone call I have had with her. While going through therapy I came to a point where I felt like I was going around, and around, and around in circles, I knew that my relationship or there of, lack of relationship with her and her need to be the center of all that happens and judge. I sat in front of my psychologist and told her that the only way I would be able to fully recover was to have my mother out of my life, well I actually said for her to be dead, and I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to make the decision was I ready to leave my so called relationship with my mother, that would also include my father and my brother.

I knew the only way to leave this toxic family dynamic was to write them a letter and explain why I need to do this, and that at this point it was indefinite, but I was open to speaking with them in a supervised (psychologist) visit. I put the hand out to see if they would take it. I sent the letter after a few drafts and began to live my life without my parents and sibling in it. I can say it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but knew it was the right thing to do to allow myself full recovery.

Its moments like Sunday where the above words about my mother come to the surface and even though it still cuts deep, I have been able to allow on to paper for the very first time and know I am doing well and continue every day to stay healthy within mind, body and spirit.

its not selfish

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, as it is the first time I have been able to voice these words to others.

Until  next time, have an awesome day…

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Get Out of The Way

It’s been over 10 years since I picked up a paint brush. I used to teach folk art painting when I owned a craft shop, I used to do a lot of different crafts back then. I also closed that business down due to many reasons, and with that came a negative attachment to anything craft/art oriented. The I’m not good enough, I don’t want to do this anymore, and so on kicked in and I stopped doing anything that was creative.

This week I have indulged myself to the point of purchasing a few new brushes, some acrylic and watercolour paint, and other art supplies and started playing again in my art journal (pictured above) though only with pencil, ink and soft pastels. There is still a nervousness when it comes to painting. I know I want to paint, but feel such a sense of anxiety attached to it.

How do I over come this anxiousness with painting? Do I know why I feel this way? Answer, yes to both, it’s called control. I am a person that sees the outcome first, then tries to work my way to that outcome. Not the best path to doing anything, as it’s an easy way to set myself up for ‘failure’ and self sabotage. I need to get out of my own way in order to just do it, to pick up the brush, load the paint and take the journey of my imagination and let it happen with no controlling of any of the process. Oh and to not over think it!

It’s time to allow myself to fall, and let the universe catch me how it feels. To fall in love again with something that I know has once before brought me joy and comfort.

Ones creativity is not to be controlled and caged, but to let it spread its wings and soar, to lift and to find adventure.

Until next time, spread your wings and fly!!

Drawing

It’s been a long day as always on a Friday, though have had the universe provide a little information for someone that needs some help, and time for me to try something out of my comfort zone.

This is the very first time I have ever drawn a Disney Character, and as always I love to use images from Pinterest for inspiration. So Mrs Potts and Chip were it for me.

It’s not perfect, but nothing in life is. I do have to say I am just a little proud of myself.

With practice I am sure I will get better at drawing and creating a wonderful world full of images that bring me joy.

Until next time, have an awesome weekend.

Art Therapy

Today was a harder day than others, not sure if its because of the cycle of the new moon, or just me feeling blah, well it didn’t get much better by 7:30pm, I was given some not so good news about someone I mentor, and to say I was bitterly disappointed would be an understatement and there was anger as well. So by the time I came home from work I was wound up, and not feeling happy at all. Knowing myself I can hold these feelings for extended periods of time and knowing that I have another busy day at work tomorrow I am not wanting to lose any sleep or stew on the issue.

So I took out my sketch book, HB pencil, black pens and opened up Pinterest on my computer, sifted through my board of drawing ideas and found one. I quietened my mind enough to start, and before I knew it I was a lot calmer, more relaxed and zenning.

art therapy whale breaching

Whale Breaching

So now I can honestly say this will be my go to way of relaxation when needed. Its not a perfect image, but its a great image in my mind, and the fact that I am so much more chilled and relaxed is the key point.

Until next time have a great week…

 

Creative Bloom

“Creativity partners with imagination and experience to bring uniqueness into what we do and how we live. It is the passion and divine spark that invites us to create”

Rassouli

Creativity, what is it for you? What does it mean to you to be creative?

On Tuesday my daughter and I spent the afternoon together doing a little retail therapy, as you do when you are feeling just a little off key. We both have a love for books and headed to our favorite QBD bookshop. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, this is how I like to shop for books, for me books will have something that I need to learn or have an understanding of the content that connects with my soul.

Lisa_work-from-wherever

As a person who loves to be creative in many areas, and am currently looking at building a website that will in the end be useful to others for helping them find their path to eating disorder recovery andย  with this in mind I waded through the racks of books in all areas to see what caught my attention. I found two books that fitted my need at that moment. Lisa Messenger’s ‘Work From Wherever’, and Rassouli, ‘The Book of Creativity, Mastering your Creative Power’.

I have started reading The Book of Creativity first, and may I say from page one, I am feeling lighter, excited and eager for more of the content of this inspiring book, I am wanting to learn, to engage in my own creativity, be more defined in my creativity. Now I am in no way an artist, though love to paint (love using acrylics), I love to draw, I love to use different means of being creative in life. Rassouli, puts the idea of creativity into all areas of our lives; business, art, helping others (service), and more. If you can imagine anything for yourself and others, you can create it by stepping out of your own way.

Rassouli_the-book-of-creativity

I can see that I am a naturally creative person, more so as an adult, compared to when I was a child. Though I can see I created differently as a child to now. My brother was the artist in our house at that time and yes I was jealous of his natural abilities and the attention he got for the work he did. Though through my time I have come to reconcile myself that I would never be like him, as that is how we are supposed to be, different. I am me and I am a creative as well, just not like he was. I have taught myself to draw, though still struggle with free flowing ideas from my mind, I tend to copy from other ideas seen and use these as practicing pieces, with the hope of one day being able to free flow draw from my imagination.

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So for me drawing is my zen time, my reconnect with my innerself. Though when times are emotionally difficult I tend to run from this when really I should be running to it. As my life recently has been more than full, and not always for the right reasons, I have come to the conclusion that I need to get back to me to help others in the future. I need to book in time during each day to allow myself to be creative and live a creative life.

Until next time…

 

Self Doubt

So these past few weeks have been a little difficult to say the least. I am continuing to build ideas for my website that I envision. I know I am more than capable of being a success (what ever that definition of success is….being happy and content with what I can produce to be able to help others). Though there is this little gremlin that sneaks up and places a sprinkling of self doubt over it all, then I start to procrastinate and then leave find something else to work on for an immediate source of reward.

So why does this self doubt come when I know what I have in mind will work, it will take time, effort and many ups and downs and lots of learning. Is it because people in the past have said negative things about my ideas and planted the self doubt seed, that seems to be one that blooms when you know your idea will work, but it’s just whispers ‘you just don’t have the money, the time, and really do you think it will be as big as you think it will?’.

I have come to the realisation that in order to move past self doubt with my goals, dreams and ideas is to build the foundation that will stand solid for the walls, windows, doors and roof to be built on, though my roof is not closed, it’s open to allow for growth. Learning that it’s not going to be ‘perfect’ but it’s going to be a part of myself that will change, like a garden that is forever changing, learning from mistakes, and not seeing them as a failure, and acknowledging the mistakes and wins along the way.

How I know self doubt has taken over…I have a tendency to procrastinate a lot more on things that are important to me, I second guess everything I do and think, I will find it easy to completely stop what I enjoy doing the most. Then I mope around feeling sorry for myself, I get agitated by others very easily and I get jealous of what others have and what I don’t. So yes self doubt becomes a roller coaster of negative feelings, emotions and actions.

How do I plan to get myself off of the roller coaster ride? Well I make time to journal, write a simple to do list, nothing that will feed the self doubt, but little things that I can do to work towards my goals and plans. Be aware of my emotions and feelings and actions to know if I am regressing back to the comfortable seat on the self doubt roller coaster.

Tomorrow is a new day, as today I have acknowledged I have been riding this negative beast for to long and it’s time to find the positive steps and walk the path in the sunshine of making my dreams come to fruition. It’s always easy to say the words, but harder to physically do the work.

Today I step forward and allow myself to feel free from over analysing my thoughts, ideas and give myself permission to be imperfect, to learn, grow and dream the biggest wildest dreams that scare me to do things in life, and not be paralysed by fear of failure and the fear of not being good enough.

Until next time we meet, have a great day!

Twists and Turns

Spring has sprung here in Perth, Western Australia, as we run into the another season, warmer weather, sunshine, longer days. My days have taken some twists and turns recently, I am looking at some interesting changes ahead of me and exciting times. With these comes a little discomfort of stepping outside my comfort zone and putting myself out into the big wide world.

I know I have mentioned many times my life experience with eating disorders and my reason for studying counselling at university. In recent times I have learnt that my strengths are within eating disorder recovery mentoring, and this is an avenue I wish to follow in more depth.

I recently joined a group for eating disorder recovery on Facebook, and have found that there just isn’t enough help out in the world for those suffering from these horrid disorders, and for the families for support. I put part of my story on the page, as this was one way of sharing a piece of me for others to contact me if they want to for a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to them and suggestions of advice and most of all support in what ever I can give.

This has led me to the idea of building my own website, to use it as a platform for mentoring and as I build my qualifications to counsel and coach. This is probably the biggest leap I have thought of and going to take. My own story isn’t like others and that is normal as our stories are all different, the only similarities is the habits we exhibit while in the trenches of the disorders we have. My recovery process as well is different to others I am sure, as being amazing individuals, this is why difference is important, and not to just treat, help others in the exact same way with each person we help. I am also very much about the family of those I help (mentor).

 

 

I’m Back…

Wow how time has flown by since I last posted, lots has been happening and I have been being exceptionally busy. So here is just a little of where I am at, and what is to come for the second half of 2019.

I managed to finish my first semester of my Bachelor Youth Work degree, only to find out a couple of weeks ago that I couldn’t do it with a major in counseling, and the only reason I found this out was I didn’t pass a particular unit, contacted ECU (Edith Cowan University) and asked the questions, to find out that I had to make the change ‘again’. Oh well things do happen for a reason. So I am all enrolled for semester 2 in a Bachelor of Counselling, with Professional Youth Work as my major, and super excited to get it done.

I have still be mentoring a young lady in her recovery from anorexia and even though we are still within the early stages, things are looking more positive, with a very long way to go. I am also building my youth work and counseling contacts, and with that had an awesome meeting with a lovely lady who works for our children’s hospital here in Perth, and gave me some wonderful guidance for now and my future.

I have been spending time when I can with my favorite horse Bessie and learning every time more about her and myself, such a beautiful lady that she is, even though stubborn as, when she wants to be.

A little traveling coming up very shortly, with an overnight stay down in Margaret River, Western Australia for a work function of wine tasting and dinner (I have a tough job ๐Ÿ™‚ ). then the following week I fly out to Kani, Maldives for a work conference and some down time to recoup before the second half of 2019 of study, work, a little horsing around and more.

Have an wonderful week that is ahead of us all, until next time…

riding with bessie_1

Easter 2019

For me Easter is a little time out from work and some time to get some study done and caught up on. Though Easter Sunday is a day for being in the garden.

In Perth, Western Australia, we have had what ‘we’ call a sudden cold snap, with Good Friday only getting to 12 degrees C for the day. So the day was spent indoors studying and making some yummy pancakes. Well I made the mix for the pancakes, before a message from a friend to say ‘cooking starts in 20 minutes’. I placed the pancake mix into the fridge, chucked on my socks and sneakers and headed down to my friend’s house to part-take in an amazing afternoon of learning how to make traditional Burmese Pho Soup.

The pot that is used is massive with the inside segmented into three separate spaces for your broth. One is for pork, one for chicken and the other beef, which had been boiling away for a while. On the bench we were cutting up fresh greens (pumpkin leaves and Chinese Cabbage), Pho noodles were soaking in a bucket of water to soften, herbs and spices added to the two chickens, a chunk of beef, pork balls, and the smell was truly amazing.

bumese soup table

On the table were jars of fried garlic, chili (green and red), been sprouts, coriander leaves, roasted peanuts, preserved cabbage, raw sugar, the cooked pork balls, the beef sliced into thin pieces. Pho noodles were placed into a wire cup attached to a piece of wood (used as a ladle), on top of the noodles was places some Chinese cabbage, and pumpkin leaves then dipped in and out of the clear broth until softened and warmed. Then placed into a bowl. I was then to add all my condiments from the table and then pass it back and have my choice of broth, I chose the beef. I tucked into this amazing bowl of yumminess that was out or this world in taste and talk about being fresh and clean tasting. Oh I will also say I did have a small glass of Lange Shiraz from Frankland River, Western Australia which just topped off the meal, and with the amazing company or friends, and new friends.

bermese bowl of yum

A bowl of pure delight

Easter Sunday, and day of rest, from work and study, but lots to be done in the garden. I headed out reasonably early to Bunnings via my favorite coffee shop for a good old caffeine fix. Got to Bunnings, got my trolley and headed straight for the garden section, like a woman on a mission. A new plastic pot for the garden to replant one of my Chinese Lanterns, a new hanging basket to match the one already up, a pile of seeds (autumn planting time, of sweet peas ( 4 different types), poppy’s, aquilegia, foxgloves, Larkspur, Delphinium and Linaria, potting mix for seeds, potting mix for garden bed, a bag of soil conditioner, some weed mat, a new hydrangea, some snapdragon seedlings. I headed home with my new set of bunny ears from Bunnings as a freebie, and unloaded the car and then headed out to my favorite rose nursery.

Melville Roses – Carmel is a place like no other up in the hills of Perth. When looking for roses, this is the place to come. I had seen a couple of roses I was wanting when I went to the garden festival last weekend. The Origami Rose was one of my favs and I got two of them today (centre photo), with a Coffee Rose (3rd photo), and an Aotearoa Rose (1st photo), Hybrid Tea and Floribunda roses and ideal as a cut rose, which is what I am now planting in my garden for an idea of growing cut flower gardens.

bunny in the roses

Me the Easter Bunny among the Roses

With everything under the patio, it was time to get started with cutting back one of my Callistemon trees in the front yard as it was leggy and needed a good pruning and moving all the branches to the back yard near my shed for further cutting down for mulching and composting. I then made a bee-line for the garden bed under my son’s bedroom window, I had a kangaroo paw and a port wine magnolia there, and decided to transplant the magnolia out into another garden bed near my shed, and throw away the kangaroo paw as it was old and not what I wanted in my garden any more, so into the compost bin it went (never waste anything in my garden, if not wanted anymore). I decided best plan was to use a couple of my colorbond garden beds in under the window to allow for better soil retention than putting the plants straight into the sandy soil that was there.

roses 21_4_19

I placed the four roses in a diamond shape, with an origami rose at the top and bottom of the bed with the other two on each side. In the corners I placed three snapdragon seedlings and in the center of the diamond of roses I placed a white rosemary. Now that bed is done, I cleared out the rest of the garden bed that ran from under my daughters bedroom window to under my son’s bedroom window. I do have a climbing rose (apricot in color) that is in a terracotta pot, that I am training across the wall. to the right of the pot I have now place a mauve and a white Argyranthemum into the garden and placed 12 Californian Poppy seedlings around them as well to fill the gaps.

poppy's

I have managed a lot of cleaning up of leaves along the paths and gardens as we have quite a few eucalyptus trees on our property as well, with plenty more to be done in the coming weeks, once all assignments are done and dusted.

abbie Rabbit

Our Abbie the Easter Bunny

Easter Monday, a beautiful sleep in, cup of coffee, playing outside with my girl Abbie (German Shepherd), then to hit the books and finish the day off with a stunning bush trail ride with Bessie Boo.

I hope everyone around this vast world of ours has had or having an amazing Easter.

Until next time…

 

Chaos…need to do a brain dump!

This past month and a bit has been crazy…there has been lots of work happening (long days and hours) in my day job. Not very much being done with study ๐Ÿ˜ฆ and not a lot of time really for anything that is fun.

So this past week I managed to get what I call a ‘brain dump’ done. I have to write it all down on paper not on a computer screen for it to make betters sense for me. I guess in away its what I dream of doing in the future and what is possible.

My mind runs miles on miles when I have so many different ibrain dump Aprildeas happening. I want to do so much that it all turns to chaos in my head and I get more and more frustrated with myself, which can turn outwardly into me being a bit snappy with people around me.

I have dreams of opening a treatment facitlity after I finish my studies for people with eating disorders, to be a place of intense counseling and having animals such as dogs and horses to help with such clients. Plus having a cut flower garden business as well, and also using gardening for client therapy.

Then there is time for cooking and baking, which I just love to do as down time and trying out ‘normal’ recipes and making them gluten free and dairy free. There is also my love of writing and drawing, which lately has been put completely aside with my studies and work taking up the most of my time, and not to forget my love of interior design and decorating, which I really just have no time for ๐Ÿ˜ฆlemon cupcakes and icing

 

Though there was a little baking done during this time of chaos to help relieve just a little frustration. Gluten free, lactose free, lemon cupcakes and icing, just a little bit yummy. I also tried out my donut baking tray for the first time and actually really like cupcake mix donet in the tray, makes for easier eating and a little deep hole for extra yummy icing to bite into.

 

 

Late yesterday (14/4/late ride bessie selfie19), with the weather changing to a beautiful cooler day and some well needed rain, I was able to head out with this big beautiful girl, Bessie with friends for a trail ride. For me a great time to get my ‘Bessie Fix’ and some great fresh bush air, and with the rain, it was so much nicer, sweeter and refreshing. There is nothing like a quiet ride in the bush with such a beautiful and calming friend that teaches you more than you ever thought possible.

So today sees more rain outside, and a day of study and getting assignments started and drafted, and a lead into the Easter break to have all assignments done and ready for submitting.

Have an awesome week and until next time….